I want to share something with you that completely changed how I think about relationships.
It's a concept from the book The Gap and The Gain by Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy. And while the book isn't specifically about relationships, this framework has become one of the most powerful tools I use — both personally and in my work with couples.
So let's talk about the Gap and why it might be quietly destroying your connection without you even realizing it.
What Is The Gap?
The Gap is measuring your current reality against an imagined ideal.
In relationships, this means constantly comparing your partner (or your relationship) to:
- How they "used to be" — the honeymoon version you fell in love with
- How they "should be" — the standard you've created in your mind
- How other people's partners are — the highlight reel you see from the outside
- Some perfect version you've created in your head — that no real human can live up to
The problem? The ideal keeps moving. Your partner can never catch it.
What Living in The Gap Sounds Like
If you've ever caught yourself thinking or saying things like this, you're living in the Gap:
- "They're not as affectionate as they were when we first started dating"
- "If they really loved me, they would..."
- "My friend's partner does [X], why doesn't mine?"
- "We should be past this issue by now"
- "They used to try harder"
- "I shouldn't have to ask for what I need"
- "Other couples don't struggle like this"
- "Why can't they just be more [patient/romantic/thoughtful/present]?"
Or even the more subtle ones:
- "They forgot again" — ignoring the 10 times they remembered
- "That apology wasn't good enough" — dismissing that they apologized at all
- "They should know me better by now" — overlooking how much they DO know you
- "We're not where I thought we'd be" — focusing on the imagined timeline, not actual progress
Sound familiar?
The Cruel Trick of The Gap
Here's what makes the Gap so insidious in relationships.
The ideal keeps shifting.
Let's say your partner hears your feedback and becomes more affectionate. Great! But then you notice they're not helping around the house enough. So they start helping more. Wonderful! But now they're not as spontaneous and fun as they used to be. So they work on being more playful. Fantastic! But now you realize they're not being serious enough about future planning...
See what's happening?
Your partner can never win because the goalpost keeps moving.
And here's the heartbreaking part: they start to feel it. They feel like no matter what they do, it's never enough. So they either:
- Stop trying — what's the point?
- Become defensive — they can't handle more criticism
- Start pulling away — connection feels like constant evaluation
What The Gap Does to Connection
When you live in the Gap, your partner feels:
- Never good enough
- Constantly criticized
- Like they're failing you
- Afraid to be vulnerable — because it's never enough anyway
And YOU feel:
- Chronically disappointed
- Resentful
- Disconnected
- Stuck wondering why things aren't improving
The Gap kills intimacy because perfection kills vulnerability.
Who wants to be open, honest, and real with someone who's constantly measuring them against an impossible standard?
Enter: The Gain
So what's the alternative?
The Gain = measuring backward from where you started, not forward toward an ideal.
Instead of asking "Are we where we should be?" you ask:
- "How have we grown together?"
- "What have they learned about me?"
- "Where were we a year ago compared to now?"
- "What ARE they doing well?"
You measure progress, not perfection.
What Living in The Gain Sounds Like
- "We used to fight for days; now we repair in hours"
- "They remembered what matters to me"
- "Look how they're trying to understand my perspective"
- "We're learning to navigate this together"
- "They're not perfect, but they're here and they're trying"
- "Remember when we couldn't even talk about this? Now we can"
- "They heard my feedback and made a real effort to change"
- "Look at how much trust we've built"
The Gain doesn't ignore problems or excuse harmful behavior. It doesn't mean you can't have needs or boundaries.
The Gain creates the safety needed to actually address problems.
Because when your partner feels appreciated for their growth, they can hear your concerns without feeling like they're fundamentally failing you. When they're not being measured against an impossible standard, they have space to be imperfect, make mistakes, and repair.
The Practice: How to Shift from Gap to Gain
Here's what I want you to try this week.
🔍 Step 1: Catch The Gap Thoughts
Notice when you're thinking "they never..." "they should..." "other people..." "we're still..."
Just notice. No judgment. We ALL do this.
🔄 Step 2: Pause and Ask Different Questions
- "Where were we 6 months ago compared to now?"
- "What HAS improved, even if it's small?"
- "What are they doing right that I've been taking for granted?"
- "What effort have they been making that I haven't acknowledged?"
🗣️ Step 3: Acknowledge Progress Out Loud
This is the game-changer. Say it:
- "I've noticed you're really trying to understand me better lately"
- "I appreciate how you've been more patient with me"
- "I see the effort you're making and it matters to me"
- "Remember when we used to [X]? Look at how far we've come"
📏 Step 4: Measure Backward, Not Against An Ideal
Make this your new standard: progress over perfection.
A Personal Reflection
I'll be honest with you — I used to live hardcore in the Gap. But not with my partner.
With myself.
I constantly measured myself against an impossible ideal of who I "should" be in relationships. I thought I should be more emotionally regulated, less anxious, more secure, more confident, less needy. The list was endless.
And here's what that did: it filled me with shame. Deep, persistent shame about who I was showing up as. I was so focused on my gaps — all the ways I was falling short — that I couldn't be present or vulnerable with the people I loved.
I was too worried about being "too much" or "not enough" to actually let myself be seen. I held back. I over-explained. I apologized for things that didn't need apologies. I second-guessed everything I said and did.
The Gap didn't just limit my relationships — it kept me from showing up authentically in them. Because when you're constantly measuring yourself against who you think you should be, there's no space to just BE.
Then God helped me understand something profound: He doesn't measure me against who I should be. He sees who I'm becoming. He measures the Gain — my growth, my progress, my heart's desire to love well even when I stumble.
Learning to see myself through God's eyes changed everything. Instead of shame for my imperfections, I found grace for my process. Instead of hiding my struggles, I could bring them into the light. Instead of apologizing for my humanity, I could honor the journey of becoming.
This Matters
Your partner isn't perfect. Neither are you. Neither is your relationship.
But if you're both showing up, trying, growing — even slowly, even imperfectly — that's something. That's actually everything.
The Gap will tell you it's not enough. The Gain will help you see how far you've come.
Choose the Gain.